Daring Greatly : How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Daring Greatly : How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead ⋿ Early reader Daring Greatly : How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead online ༧ Kindle Author Brene Brown ᠉ Praise for Daring Greatly DANNY CLARKBren Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work She has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame Her 2010 TEDxHouston talk, on the power of vulnerability, is one of the most watched talks on TED.com Bren is the author of the 1 New York Times bestseller The Gifts of Imperfection 2010 , I Thought It Was Just Me 2007 , and Rising Strong 2015 Bren is also the founder and CEO of The Daring Waya teaching and certification program for helping professionals who want to facilitate her work on vulnerability, courage, shame, and worthiness Bren lives in Houston with her husband, Steve, and their two children.ALSO BY BREN BROWN The Gifts of Imperfection I Thought It Was Just Me but it isnt Rising StrongWHAT ITMEANS TODAREGREATLYTHE phrase Daring Greatly is from Theodore Roosevelts speech Citizenship in a Republic The speech, sometimes referred to as The Man in the Arena, was delivered at the Sorbonne in Paris, France, on April 23, 1910 This is the passage that made the speech famous It is not the critic who counts not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood who strives valiantly who errs, who comes short again and again,because there is no effort without error and shortcoming but who does actually strive to do the deeds who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions who spends himself in a worthy cause who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.The first time I read this quote, I thought, This is vulnerability Everything Ive learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, its understanding the necessity of both its engaging Its being all in.Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional Our only choice is a question of engagement Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.When we spend our lives waiting until were perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they dont exist in the human experience We must walk into the arena, whatever it may bea new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversationwith courage and the willingness to engage Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen This is vulnerability This is daring greatly.Join me as we explore the answers to these questions What drives our fear of being vulnerable How are we protecting ourselves from vulnerability What price are we paying when we shut down and disengage How do we own and engage with vulnerability so we can start transforming the way we live, love, parent, and lead INTRODUCTION MY ADVENTURESIN THE ARENAI looked right at her and said, I frickin hate vulnerability I figured shes a therapistIm sure shes had tougher cases Plus, the sooner she knows what shes dealing with, the faster we can get this whole therapy thing wrapped up I hate uncertainty I hate not knowing I cant stand opening myself to getting hurt or being disappointed Its excruciating Vulnerability is complicated And its excruciating Do you know what I mean Diana nods Yes, I know vulnerability I know it well Its an exquisite emotion Then she looks up and kind of smiles, as if shes picturing something really beautiful Im sure I look confused because I cant imagine what shes picturing Im suddenly concerned for her well being and my own.I said it was excruciating, not exquisite, I point out And let me say this for the record, if my research didnt link being vulnerable with living a Wholehearted life, I wouldnt be here I hate how it makes me feel.What does it feel like Like Im coming out of my skin Like I need to fix whatevers happening and make it better.And if you cant Then I feel like punching someone in the face.And do you No Of course not.So what do you do Clean the house Eat peanut butter Blame people Make everything around me perfect Control whatever I canwhatevers not nailed down.When do you feel the most vulnerable When Im in fear I look up as Diana responds with that annoying pause and head nodding done by therapists to draw us out When Im anxious and unsure about how things are going to go, or if Im having a difficult conversation, or if Im trying something new or doing something that makes me uncomfortable or opens me up to criticism or judgment Another annoying pause as the empathic nodding continues When I think about how much I love my kids and Steve, and how my life would be over if something happened to them When I see the people I care about struggling, and I cant fix it or make it better All I can do is be with them.I see.I feel it when Im scared that things are too good Or too scary Id really like for it to be exquisite, but right now its just excruciating Can people change that Yes, I believe they can.Can you give me some homework or something Should I review the data No data and no homework No assignments or gold stars in here Less thinking More feeling.Can I get to exquisite without having to feel really vulnerable in the process No.Well, shit Thats just awesome.If you dont know anything about me from my other books, my blog, or the TED videos that have gone viral online, let me catch you up If, on the other hand, youre already a little queasy from the mention of a therapist, skip this chapter entirely and go straight to the appendix about my research process I have spent my entire life trying to outrun and outsmart vulnerability Im a fifth generation Texan with a family motto of lock and load, so I come by my aversion to uncertainty and emotional exposure honestly and genetically By middle school, which is the time when most of us begin to wrestle with vulnerability, I began to develop and hone my vulnerability avoidance skills.Over time I tried everything from the good girl with my perform perfect please routine, to clove smoking poet, angry activist, corporate climber, and out of control party girl At first glance these may seem like reasonable, if not predictable, developmental stages, but they were than that for me All of my stages were different suits of armor that kept me from becoming too engaged and too vulnerable Each strategy was built on the same premise Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy.Along with my fear of vulnerability, I also inherited a huge heart and ready empathy So, in my late twenties, I left a management position at ATT, got a job waiting tables and bartending, and went back to school to become a social worker When I met with my boss at ATT to resign, Ill never forget her response Let me guess Youre leaving to become a social worker or an MTV VJ on Headbangers Ball Like many of the folks drawn to social work, I liked the idea of fixing people and systems By the time I was done with my bachelors degree BSW and was finishing my masters degree MSW , though, I had realized that social work wasnt about fixing It was and is all about contextualizing and leaning in Social work is all about leaning into the discomfort of ambiguity and uncertainty, and holding open an empathic space so people can find their own way In a word messy.As I struggled to figure out how I could ever make a career in social work actually work, I was riveted by a statement from one of my research professors If you cant measure it, it doesnt exist He explained that unlike our other classes in the program, research was all about prediction and control I was smitten You mean that rather than leaning and holding, I could spend my career predicting and controlling I had found my calling.The surest thing I took away from my BSW, MSW, and Ph.D in social work is this Connection is why were here We are hardwired to connect with others, its what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering I wanted to develop research that explained the anatomy of connection.Studying connection was a simple idea, but before I knew it, I had been hijacked by my research participants who, when asked to talk about their most important relationships and experiences of connection, kept telling me about heartbreak, betrayal, and shamethe fear of not being worthy of real connection We humans have a tendency to define things by what they are not This is especially true of our emotional experiences.By accident, then, I became a shame and empathy researcher, spending six years developing a theory that explains what shame is, how it works, and how we cultivate resilience in the face of believing that were not enoughthat were not worthy of love and belonging In 2006 I realized that in addition to understanding shame, I had to understand the flip side What do the people who are the most resilient to shame, who believe in their worthinessI call these people the Wholeheartedhave in common I hoped like hell that the answer to this question would be They are shame researchers To be Wholehearted, you have to know a lot about shame But I was wrong Understanding shame is only one variable that contributes to Wholeheartedness, a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness In The Gifts of Imperfection, I defined ten guideposts for Wholehearted living that point to what the Wholehearted work to cultivate and what they work to let go of Cultivating Authenticity Letting Go of What People ThinkCultivating Self Compassion Letting Go of PerfectionismCultivating a Resilient Spirit Letting Go of Numbing and PowerlessnessCultivating Gratitude and Joy Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the DarkCultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith Letting Go of the Need for CertaintyCultivating Creativity Letting Go of ComparisonCultivating Play and Rest Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self WorthCultivating Calm and Stillness Letting Go of Anxiety as a LifestyleCultivating Meaningful Work Letting Go of Self Doubt and Supposed ToCultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance Letting Go of Being Cool and Always in ControlAs I analyzed the data, I realized that I was about two for ten in my own life when in comes to Wholehearted living That was personally devastating This happened a few weeks before my forty first birthday and sparked my midlife unraveling As it turns out, getting an intellectual handle on these issues isnt the same as living and loving with your whole heart.I have written in great detail in The Gifts of Imperfection about what it means to be Wholehearted and about the breakdown spiritual awakening that ensued from this realization But what I want to do here is to share the definition of Wholehearted living and share the five most important themes that emerged from the data and which led me to the breakthroughs I share in this book It will give you an idea of whats ahead Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. Its going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesnt change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.This definition is based on these fundamental ideals Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children Were hardwired for connectionits what gives purpose and meaning to our lives The absence of love, belonging, and connection always leads to suffering.If you roughly divide the men and women Ive interviewed into two groupsthose who feel a deep sense of love and belonging, and those who struggle for ittheres only one variable that separates the groups Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging They dont have better or easier lives, they dont have fewer struggles with addiction or depression, and they havent survived fewer traumas or bankruptcies or divorces, but in the midst of all of these struggles, they have developed practices that enable them to hold on to the belief that they are worthy of love, belonging, and even joy.A strong belief in our worthiness doesnt just happenits cultivated when we understand the guideposts as choices and daily practices.The main concern of Wholehearted men and women is living a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection.The Wholehearted identify vulnerability as the catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection In fact, the willingness to be vulnerable emerged as the single clearest value shared by all of the women and men whom I would describe as Wholehearted They attribute everythingfrom their professional success to their marriages to their proudest parenting momentsto their ability to be vulnerable.I had written about vulnerability in my earlier books in fact, theres even a chapter on it in my dissertation From the very beginning of my investigations, embracing vulnerability emerged as an important category I also understood the relationships between vulnerability and the other emotions that Ive studied But in those previous books, I assumed that the relationships between vulnerability and different constructs like shame, belonging, and worthiness were coincidence Only after twelve years of dropping deeper and deeper into this work did I finally understand the role it plays in our lives Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.This new information created a major dilemma for me personally On the one hand, how can you talk about the importance of vulnerability in an honest and meaningful way without being vulnerable On the other hand, how can you be vulnerable without sacrificing your legitimacy as a researcher To be honest, I think emotional accessibility is a shame trigger for researchers and academics Very early in our training, we are taught that a cool distance and inaccessibility contribute to prestige, and that if youre too relatable, your credentials come into question While being called pedantic is an insult in most settings, in the ivory tower were taught to wear the pedantic label like a suit of armor. How could I risk being really vulnerable and tell stories about my own messy journey through this research without looking like a total flake What about my professional armor My moment to dare greatly, as Theodore Roosevelt once urged citizens to do, came in June 2010 when I was invited to speak at TEDxHouston TEDxHouston is one of many independently organized events modeled after TEDa nonprofit addressing the worlds of Technology, Entertainment, and Design that is devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading TED and TEDx organizers bring together the worlds most fascinating thinkers and doers and challenge them to give the talk of their life in eighteen minutes or less.The TEDxHouston curators were unlike any event organizers Ive known Bringing in a shame and vulnerability researcher makes most organizers a little nervous and compels a few to get somewhat prescriptive about the content of the talk When I asked the TEDx people what they wanted me to talk about, they responded, We love your work Talk about whatever makes you feel awesomedo your thing Were grateful to share the day with you Actually, Im not sure how they made the decision to let me do my thing, because before that talk I wasnt aware of having a thing.I loved the freedom of that invitation and I hated it I was back straddling the tension between leaning into the discomfort and finding refuge in my old friends, prediction and control I decided to go for it Truthfully, I had no idea what I was getting into.My decision to dare greatly didnt stem from self confidence as much as it did from faith in my research I know Im a good researcher, and I trusted that the conclusions I had drawn from the data were valid and reliable Vulnerability would take me where I wanted or maybe needed to go I also convinced myself that it wasnt really a big deal Its Houston, a hometown crowd Worst case scenario, five hundred people plus a few watching the live streaming will think Im a nut.The morning after the talk, I woke up with one of the worst vulnerability hangovers of my life You know that feeling when you wake up and everything feels fine until the memory of laying yourself open washes over you and you want to hide under the covers What did I do Five hundred people officially think Im crazy and it totally sucks I forgot to mention two important things Did I actually have a slide with the word breakdown on it to reinforce the story that I shouldnt have told in the first place I must leave town.But there was nowhere to run Six months after the talk, I received an e mail from the curators of TEDxHouston congratulating me because my talk was going to be featured on the main TED website I knew that was a good thing, a coveted honor even, but I was terrified First, I was just settling into the idea of only five hundred people thinking Im crazy Second, in a culture full of critics and cynics, I had always felt safer in my career flying right under the radar Looking back, Im not sure how I would have responded to that e mail had I known that having a video go viral on vulnerability and the importance of letting ourselves be seen would leave me feeling so uncomfortably and ironically vulnerable and exposed.Today that talk is one of the most viewed on TED.com, with than five million hits and translation available in thirty eight languages Ive never watched it Im glad I did it, but it still makes me feel really uncomfortable.The way I see it, 2010 was the year of the TEDxHouston talk, and 2011 was the year of walking the talkliterally I crisscrossed the country speaking to groups ranging from Fortune 500 companies, leadership coaches, and the military, to lawyers, parenting groups, and school districts In 2012, I was invited to give another talk at the main TED conference in Long Beach, California For me the 2012 talk was my opportunity to share the work that has literally been the foundation and springboard for all of my researchI talked about shame and how we have to understand it and work through it if we really want to dare greatly.The experience of sharing my research led me to write this book After discussions with my publisher about the possibility of a business book and or a parenting book, plus a book for teachers, I realized that there only needed to be one book because no matter where I went or with whom I was speaking, the core issues were the same fear, disengagement, and yearning for courage.My corporate talks almost always focus on inspired leadership or creativity and innovation The most significant problems that everyone from C level executives to the frontline folks talk to me about stem from disengagement, the lack of feedback, the fear of staying relevant amid rapid change, and the need for clarity of purpose If we want to reignite innovation and passion, we have to rehumanize work When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation.When it comes to parenting, the practice of framing mothers and fathers as good or bad is both rampant and corrosiveit turns parenting into a shame minefield The real questions for parents should be Are you engaged Are you paying attention If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children Perfection doesnt exist, and Ive found that what makes children happy doesnt always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults The same is true for schools I havent encountered a single problem that isnt attributed to some combination of parental, teacher, administrative, and or student disengagement and the clash of competing stakeholders vying to define one purpose.I have found that the most difficult and most rewarding challenge of my work is how to be both a mapmaker and a traveler My maps, or theories, on shame resilience, Wholeheartedness, and vulnerability have not been drawn from the experiences of my own travels, but from the data Ive collected over the past dozen yearsthe experiences of thousands of men and women who are forging paths in the direction that I, and many others, want to take our lives.Over the years Ive learned that a surefooted and confident mapmaker does not a swift traveler make I stumble and fall, and I constantly find myself needing to change course And even though Im trying to follow a map that Ive drawn, there are many times when frustration and self doubt take over, and I wad up that map and shove it into the junk drawer in my kitchen Its not an easy journey from excruciating to exquisite, but for me its been worth every step.What we all share in commonwhat Ive spent the past several years talking to leaders, parents, and educators aboutis the truth that forms the very core of this book What we know matters, but who we are matters Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable The first step of that journey is understanding where we are, what were up against, and where we need to go I think we can best do that by examining our pervasive Never Enough culture.CHAPTER 1SCARCITY LOOKING INSIDE OUR CULTURE OF NEVER ENOUGHAfter doing this work for the past twelve years and watching scarcity ride roughshod over our families, organizations, and communities, Id say the one thing we have in common is that were sick of feeling afraid We want to dare greatly Were tired of the national conversation centering on What should we fear and Who should we blame We all want to be brave.YOU cant swing a cat without hitting a narcissist.Granted, it wasnt my most eloquent moment onstage It also wasnt my intention to offend anyone, but when Im really fired up or frustrated, I tend to revert back to the language instilled in me by the generations of Texans who came before me I swing cats, things get stuck in my craw, and Im frequently fixin to come undone These regressions normally happen at home or when Im with family and friends, but occasionally, when Im feeling ornery, they slip out onstage.Ive heard and used the swinging cat expression my entire life, and it didnt dawn on me that than a few of the thousand members of the audience were picturing me knocking over self important folks with an actual feline In my defense, while responding to numerous e mails sent by audience members who thought animal cruelty was inconsistent with my message of vulnerability and connection, I did learn that the expression has nothing to do with animals Its actually a British Navy reference to the difficulty of using a cat o nine tails in the tight quarters of a ship I know Not so great either.In this particular instance, the cat swinging was triggered when a woman from the audience shouted out, The kids today think theyre so special Whats turning so many people into narcissists My less than stellar response verged on smart alecky Yeah You cant swing a cat without hitting a narcissist But it stemmed from a frustration that I still feel when I hear the term narcissism thrown around Facebook is so narcissistic Why do people think what theyre doing is so important The kids today are all narcissists Its always me, me, me My boss is such a narcissist She thinks shes better than everyone and is always putting other people down.And while laypeople are using narcissism as a catchall diagnosis for everything from arrogance to rude behavior, researchers and helping professionals are testing the concepts elasticity in every way imaginable Recently a group of researchers conducted a computer analysis of three decades of hit songs The researchers reported a statistically significant trend toward narcissism and hostility in popular music In line with their hypothesis, they found a decrease in usages such as we and us and an increase in I and me.The researchers also reported a decline in words related to social connection and positive emotions, and an increase in words related to anger and antisocial behavior, such as hate or kill Two of the researchers from that study, Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell, authors of the book The Narcissism Epidemic, argue that the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder has than doubled in the United States in the last ten years.Relying on yet another fine saying from my grandmother, it feels like the world is going to hell in a handbasket.Or is it Are we surrounded by narcissists Have we turned into a culture of self absorbed, grandiose people who are only interested in power, success, beauty, and being special Are we so entitled that we actually believe that were superior even when were not really contributing or achieving anything of value Is it true that we lack the necessary empathy to be compassionate, connected people If youre like me, youre probably wincing a bit and thinking, Yes This is exactly the problem Not with me, of course But in generalthis sounds about right It feels good to have an explanation, especially one that conveniently makes us feel better about ourselves and places the blame on those people In fact, whenever I hear people making the narcissism argument, its normally served with a side of contempt, anger, and judgment Ill be honest, I even felt those emotions when I was writing that paragraph.Our first inclination is to cure the narcissists by cutting them down to size It doesnt matter if Im talking to teachers, parents, CEOs, or my neighbors, the response is the same These egomaniacs need to know that theyre not special, theyre not that great, theyre not entitled to jack, and they need to get over themselves No one cares. This is the G rated version Heres where it gets tricky And frustrating And maybe even a little heartbreaking The topic of narcissism has penetrated the social consciousness enough that most people correctly associate it with a pattern of behaviors that include grandiosity, a pervasive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy What almost no one understands is how every level of severity in this diagnosis is underpinned by shame Which means we dont fix it by cutting people down to size and reminding folks of their inadequacies and smallness Shame is likely to be the cause of these behaviors, not the cure.LOOKING AT NARCISSISM THROUGHTHE LENS OF VULNERABILITYDiagnosing and labeling people whose struggles are environmental or learned than genetic or organic is often far detrimental to healing and change than it is helpful And when we have an epidemic on our hands, unless were talking about something physically contagious, the cause is much likely to be environmental than a hardwiring issue Labeling the problem in a way that makes it about who people are rather than the choices theyre making lets all of us off the hook Too bad Thats who I am Im a huge believer in holding people accountable for their behaviors, so Im not talking about blaming the system here Im talking about understanding the root cause so we can address the problems.Its often helpful to recognize patterns of behaviors and to understand what those patterns may indicate, but thats far different from becoming defined by a diagnosis, which is something I believe, and that the research shows, often exacerbates shame and prevents people from seeking help.We need to understand these trends and influences, but I find it far helpful, and even transformative in many instances, to look at the patterns of behaviors through the lens of vulnerability For example, when I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame based fear of being ordinary I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose Sometimes the simple act of humanizing problems sheds an important light on them, a light that often goes out the minute a stigmatizing label is applied.This new definition of narcissism offers clarity and it illuminates both the source of the problem and possible solutions I can see exactly how and why people are wrestling with how to believe they are enough I see the cultural messaging everywhere that says that an ordinary life is a meaningless life And I see how kids that grow up on a steady diet of reality television, celebrity culture, and unsupervised social media can absorb this messaging and develop a completely skewed sense of the world I am only as good as the number of likes I get on Facebook or Instagram.Because we are all vulnerable to the messaging that drives these behaviors, this new lens takes away the us versus those damn narcissists element I know the yearning to believe that what Im doing matters and how easy it is to confuse that with the drive to be extraordinary I know how seductive it is to use the celebrity culture yardstick to measure the smallness of our lives And I also understand how grandiosity, entitlement, and admiration seeking feel like just the right balm to soothe the ache of being too ordinary and inadequate Yes, these thoughts and behaviors ultimately cause pain and lead to disconnection, but when were hurting and when love and belonging are hanging in the balance, we reach for what we think will offer us the most protection.There are certainly instances when a diagnosis might be necessary if we are to find the right treatment, but I cant think of one example where we dont benefit by also examining the struggle through the lens of vulnerability Something can always be learned when we consider these questions What are the messages and expectations that define our culture and how does culture influence our behaviors How are our struggles and behaviors related to protecting ourselves How are our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions related to vulnerability and the need for a strong sense of worthiness If we go back to the earlier question of whether or not were surrounded by people with narcissistic personality disorder, my answer is no There is a powerful cultural influence at play right now, and I think the fear of being ordinary is a part of it, but I also think it goes deeper than that To find the source, we have to pan out past the name calling and labeling.Weve had the vulnerability lens zoomed in here on a few specific behaviors, but if we pull out as wide as we can, the view changes We dont lose sight of the problems weve been discussing, but we see them as part of a larger landscape This allows us to accurately identify the greatest cultural influence of our timethe environment that not only explains what everyone is calling a narcissism epidemic, but also provides a panoramic view of the thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that are slowly changing who we are and how we live, love, work, lead, parent, govern, teach, and connect with one another This environment Im talking about is our culture of scarcity.SCARCITY THE NEVER ENOUGH PROBLEMA critical aspect of my work is finding language that accurately represents the data and deeply resonates with participants I know Im off when people look as if theyre pretending to get it, or if they respond to my terms and definitions with huh or sounds interesting Given the topics I study, I know that Im onto something when folks look away, quickly cover their faces with their hands, or respond with ouch, shut up, or get out of my head The last is normally how people respond when they hear or see the phrase Never ________________ enough. It only takes a few seconds before people fill in the blanks with their own tapes Never good enoughNever perfect enoughNever thin enoughNever powerful enoughNever successful enoughNever smart enoughNever certain enoughNever safe enoughNever extraordinary enoughWe get scarcity because we live it.One of my very favorite writers on scarcity is global activist and fund raiser Lynne Twist In her book The Soul of Money, she refers to scarcity as the great lie She writes For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is I didnt get enough sleep The next one is I dont have enough time Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we dont have enough of.Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, were already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didnt get, or didnt get done, that day We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack.This internal condition of scarcity, this mind set of scarcity, lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and our arguments with life 4345.Scarcity is the never enough problem The word scarce is from the Old Norman French scars, meaning restricted in quantity c 1300 Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyperaware of lack Everything from safety and love to money and resources feels restricted or lacking We spend inordinate amounts of time calculating how much we have, want, and dont have, and how much everyone else has, needs, and wants.What makes this constant assessing and comparing so self defeating is that we are often comparing our lives, our marriages, our families, and our communities to unattainable, media driven visions of perfection, or were holding up our reality against our own fictional account of how great someone else has it Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed Remember when Those were the daysTHE SOURCE OF SCARCITYScarcity doesnt take hold in a culture overnight But the feeling of scarcity does thrive in shame prone cultures that are deeply steeped in comparison and fractured by disengagement By a shame prone culture, I dont mean that were ashamed of our collective identity, but that there are enough of us struggling with the issue of worthiness that its shaping the culture Over the past decade, Ive witnessed major shifts in the zeitgeist of our country Ive seen it in the data, and honestly, Ive seen it in the faces of the people I meet, interview, and talk to The world has never been an easy place, but the past decade has been traumatic for so many people that its made changes in our culture From 9 11, multiple wars, and the recession, to catastrophic natural disasters and the increase in random violence and school shootings, weve survived and are surviving events that have torn at our sense of safety with such force that weve experienced them as trauma even if we werent directly involved And when it comes to the staggering numbers of those now unemployed and underemployed, I think every single one of us has been directly affected or is close to someone who has been directly affected.Worrying about scarcity is our cultures version of post traumatic stress It happens when weve been through too much, and rather than coming together to heal which requires vulnerability , were angry and scared and at each others throats Its not just the larger culture thats suffering I found the same dynamics playing out in family culture, work culture, school culture, and community culture And they all share the same formula of shame, comparison, and disengagement Scarcity bubbles up from these conditions and perpetuates them until a critical mass of people start making different choices and reshaping the smaller cultures they belong to.One way to think about the three components of scarcity and how they influence culture is to reflect upon the following questions As youre reading the questions, its helpful to keep in mind any culture or social system that youre a part of, whether your classroom, your family, your community, or maybe your work team Shame Is fear of ridicule and belittling used to manage people and or to keep people in line Is self worth tied to achievement, productivity, or compliance Are blaming and finger pointing norms Are put downs and name calling rampant What about favoritism Is perfectionism an issue Comparison Healthy competition can be beneficial, but is there constant overt or covert comparing and ranking Has creativity been suffocated Are people held to one narrow standard rather than acknowledged for their unique gifts and contributions Is there an ideal way of being or one form of talent that is used as measurement of everyone elses worth Disengagement Are people afraid to take risks or try new things Is it easier to stay quiet than to share stories, experiences, and ideas Does it feel as if no one is really paying attention or listening Is everyone struggling to be seen and heard When I look at these questions and think about our larger culture, the media, and the social economic political landscape, my answers are YES, YES, and YES When I think about my family in the context of these questions, I know that these are the exact issues that my husband, Steve, and I work to overcome every single day I use the word overcome because to grow a relationship or raise a family or create an organizational culture or run a school or nurture a faith community, all in a way that is fundamentally opposite to the cultural norms driven by scarcity, it takes awareness, commitment, and workevery single day The larger culture is always applying pressure, and unless were willing to push back and fight for what we believe in, the default becomes a state of scarcity Were called to dare greatly every time we make choices that challenge the social climate of scarcity.The counterapproach to living in scarcity is not about abundance In fact, I think abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin The opposite of never enough isnt abundance or than you could ever imagine The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness. As I explained in the Introduction, there are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.If you go back to the three sets of questions about scarcity that I just posed and ask yourself if youd be willing to be vulnerable or to dare greatly in any setting defined by these values, the answer for most of us is a resounding no If you ask yourself if these are conditions conducive to cultivating worthiness, the answer is again no The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.After doing this work for the past twelve years and watching scarcity ride roughshod over our families, organizations, and communities, Id say the one thing we have in common is that were sick of feeling afraid We all want to be brave We want to dare greatly Were tired of the national conversation centering on What should we fear and Who should we blame In the next chapter well talk about the vulnerability myths that fuel scarcity and how courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.CHAPTER 2DEBUNKINGTHE VULNERABILITYMYTHSYes, we are totally exposed when we are vulnerable Yes, we are in the torture chamber that we call uncertainty And, yes, were taking a huge emotional risk when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable But theres no equation where taking risks, braving uncertainty, and opening ourselves up to emotional exposure equals weakness.MYTH 1 VULNERABILITY IS WEAKNESS.The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous When we spend our lives pushing away and protecting ourselves from feeling vulnerable or from being perceived as too emotional, we feel contempt when others are less capable or willing to mask feelings, suck it up, and soldier on Weve come to the point where, rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgment and criticism.Vulnerability isnt good or bad Its not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings To feel is to be vulnerable To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.Our rejection of vulnerability often stems from our associating it with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointmentemotions that we dont want to discuss, even when they profoundly affect the way we live, love, work, and even lead What most of us fail to understand and what took me a decade of research to learn is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path. Ce texte fait r f rence l dition Broch.A wonderful book urgent, essential and fun to read I couldn t put it down, and it continues to resonate with me Seth Godin, author of Linchpin It s thought provoking stuff Stella Magazine, The Sunday Telegraph Bren writes with wisdom, wit, candor and a deep sense of humanity You should read this book I double dare you Sir Ken Robinson The brilliantly insightful Bren draws upon extensive research and personal experience to explore the paradoxes of courage I can t stop thinking about this book Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project In an age of constant pressure to conform and pretend, Daring Greatly offers a compelling alternative Dare to read this book Chris Guillebeau, author of The 100 Startup The world needs guides like her who are showing us a wiser way to our inner world Daring Greatly is all the navigation you ll need Maria Shriver Ce texte fait r f rence l dition Broch. Daring Greatly How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Daring Transforms Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead Kindle edition by Bren Brown Religion Spirituality eBooks has , ratings reviews Andy said Teddy Roosevelt is spinning in his grave if he can hear how famous quote about darin Table of Contents What it Means Dare xii Introduction My Adventures Arena Chapter Scarcity Looking Inside our Culture Never Enough Hippie Rock with Blood Harmonies The Team fronted a powerful, part blood harmony provided father, Dail Croome sons Patrick Liam insights from s new book, When came time name her Lead, harkened back speech that gave Love, YouTube Hi I m Toni, dope Introvert sharing my financial lifestyle, self development reflections while embracing vulnerability, balance AND grace up Home Facebook Greatly, Calgary, Alberta K likes an independent, five piece, hippie rock band originally Alberta, Canada Summary Four Minute Books This summary explains why vulnerability at core all feelings, overcome shame through speaking what makes good parent daring greatly eBay Find great deals on eBay for daring Shop confidence Brown About Researcher thought leader Dr offers powerful vision encourages us dare embrace imperfection, live wholeheartedly, courageously engage lives Books Home A courage building program helps individuals, teams, organizations develop leaders answer their personal call Quotes Goodreads quotes starts showing Books Audio Brene available Book Depository free delivery worldwide Brave Leaders Inc does mean Inc have now stopped selling Leader Access Pass, which includes Leadership Pillars Deep Dive courses, Recognized accompanying workbooks Failing While Become Good Soil Everyone plan until they get punched mouth Mike Tyson T narrow road becoming man noble strength love inevitably involves poignant list as many failures sucesses Guideposts Wholehearted Living At start book Brown, she refers The Man April Theodore Theodore Speak softly carry big stick, you will go far Stone Harbor Yoga Hot Power Stand Up Paddle Stone Classes, Paddle Yoga, Apparel Boutique cape may county English Teacher Unfortunately, not students are avid readers like we hope Some bored defeated trying read novel school year Why Doing Awesome Work Making Yourself In illustrates business, life, giving your asking team give means opening studies human connection ability empathize, belong, poignant, funny talk, shares deep insight research, one sent quest know herself well understand humanityBooks Bren Houston, TX ,, talking this research professor University Houston studying courage, FREE shipping qualifying New York Times bestseller million copies sold From BreneBrown Twitter latest Tweets Storyteller Texan Speaker TED authenticity, Why should listen Graduate College Social power Jan talk TEDxHouston, dee brenebrown Instagram photos and k Followers, Following, Posts See videos Author Greatly Owning story be hard but nearly difficult spending running Embracing vulnerabilities risky dangerous belonging joy experiences make most vulnerable Only when brave enough explore darkness Listening Mar whose earlier became viral hit, explores happen people confront head Her own humor, humanity shine every word Life Lessons All Need Learn Oprah increase life lessons unlearn Subscribe best newsletter Sign oprah Get stories delivered inbox updates favorite shows, Oprah world where holds Huffington Foundation Endowed Inspiring On Embracing groundbreaking impact led popular TED talks believes deepen connectedness another aware shame, learn empathize others Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart Chair Rising Workshop Daring Greatly : How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

 

    • 4.3
    • 515
    • Format Kindle
    • 0241257409
    • Brene Brown
    • Anglais
    • 24 December 2017
    • 304 pages